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Posted on December 6, 2019December 6, 2019

Day 1186 – Full Collapse (Sehnsucht, Pt. 2)

Posted on November 14, 2019November 22, 2019

Day 1164 – I, Myself, Am Made Entirely of Flaws, Stitched Together with Good Intentions

Posted on October 25, 2019October 25, 2019

Day 1144 – More Than Words Can Tell

Posted on August 15, 2019August 15, 2019

Day 1073 – To Be Ill Adjusted to a Deranged World Is Not a Breakdown

Posted on August 1, 2019August 6, 2019

Day 1059 – A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

Posted on July 16, 2019July 16, 2019

Day 1043 – She Expressed Herself in Many Different Ways, Until She Lost Control Again

Posted on July 5, 2019July 5, 2019

Day 1032 – Inspiration Move Me Brightly

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Day 1303 – Hope Begins in the Dark
Day 1202 – Forgetting How to Hate Myself I Saved My Own Life
Day 1186 – Full Collapse (Sehnsucht, Pt. 2)
Day 1164 – I, Myself, Am Made Entirely of Flaws, Stitched Together with Good Intentions
Day 1144 – More Than Words Can Tell

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I just asked for help w/ my mental health. • I can't deal with these fluctuating thoughts/feelings/emotions anymore. It's not fair to me or my family. • I have a virtual appointment this Monday—and so to say I'm proud of myself is an understatement. • (...like, I have no clue what's going to happen with my health insurance after the end of this month, because my HR doesn't currently know how long they'll extend people's policies while on unemployment/voluntary furlough, and I'm on a high-deductible HSA plan [that luckily has an account and debit card attached to it]... but all I know is things won't get back to "normal" anytime soon, and I can't sit around hoping things will get better until then. This was a very hard decision but I'm exhausting my own self and I can't take this kind of anxiety anymore. By "this kind of anxiety" I mean these past few weeks have made my post-partum anxiety look like child's play.) • As much as I probably overshare, I felt this was important to post about just in case somebody else is struggling, too. 🌻

4.4.20 | Day 1306 Musings + Reflections 🌻 • "I am arriving at that circle where one works on oneself as a gift to other people so that one doesn't create more suffering. I help people as a work on myself and I work on myself to help people." —Ram Dass • We're done watching/reading the news. Period. • We've continued to mute + unfollow voices who amplify our fears, anxieties and insecurities. • We're donating what we can to our local food pantries, because it's something we *can* do to help others who need it/us. • We're getting fresh air and (socially distancing while) exercising. • We're staying hydrated, taking our supplements, and both resting + nourishing our bodies. • We're washing our face, brushing our teeth, and changing into fresh clothes that make us feel good. Every day, and as a non-negotiable. • We're listening to music that speaks to our souls and inspires us to dance our pain, grief and strife away. • We're allowing ourselves to feel *all* of our feelings, and not run from them, without shame. • We're placing emphasis on practicing patience + compassion, towards the world and ourselves. • We're putting pen to paper and writing our hearts out. • We're no longer forcing ourselves to pour from an empty cup, because we are making self-care a priority, so that we can best care for others. • We're holding space for ourselves + making self-love our main objective, so that in turn, we can love others fully. • • • We also filed for unemployment, so we could shed a layer that was growing increasingly heavy and producing unnecessary stress and wreaking absolute havoc on our spirit. • For the foreseeable future, I've made the tough (bittersweet, but right) choice for myself + my family, to step out of a role that was causing more harm than good (as far as fear + anxiety are concerned during this time), so that I may fully step into the role of caregiver, for both my family and myself until this curtain lifts. • My resilience (by way of recovery) is strong-willed and steadfast; I have hope + find solace in what the future holds. • Because we/I didn't come this fuckin' far, to only come this far. • We're going to find peace. And we're going to be all right. 🌻

4.1.20 | Day 1303 Musings + Reflections 🌻 • "I heard a preacher say recently that hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer. Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." — Anne Lamott • Yesterday @sillylara posted something about trauma and how important it is as a survivor, to hold space for yourself. I commented: "Last week was... a black hole. It felt like the earth kept violently ripping itself out from under my feet, and I kept frantically trying to pick up myself and gather my feelings as all semblance of familiarity and normalcy scattered. Putting my deepest vulnerabilities (stemming in insecurity + anger) on full display, as a sore yet tender attempt to feel in control... no regrets but I was honestly scared I was potentially adding to the hurt, not helping others see it through... I'm still mixed. This stillness in the midst of a constantly evolving chaos is a lot. I think having the ability to even hold space for ourselves is an abnormally large and confusing feat right now. The important thing is we all see each other, and for me, that in and of itself provides an immense amount of comfort." • As those words fell effortlessly fell from my brain, I realized that by inadvertently pushing those thought-to-be suppressed feelings to the forefront, and articulating them, those feelings didn't just stop when last week ended. Then later yesterday, I saw a recent but slightly older post from @januaryharshe that further amplified some (sub)conscious feelings, where a rhetorical question was posed, daring us to ask ourselves, "What do I want (to do/not do during this time)?" • Our feeds are understandably flooded w/ people playing both sides of the field: those who seem to think we should be utilizing this time to do all the things, and those who think we shouldn't do much of anything and essentially enjoy the stillness. • I'm somewhere in the middle; my internal pendulum violently flips + switches (seemingly) almost w/ every passing minute. Then it hit me... • Continued on the blog (below pic). Link in bio. 🌻

Wishing you a simple good morning. • And letting you know today is Tuesday. 🌻

3.30.20 | Day 1301 Musings + Reflections 🌻 • I hit a breaking point on Saturday after engaging in a (concerned → passionate → heated) conversation on my city's FB group, where it became glaringly obvious that people aren't taking things (social distancing, shelter-in-place, etc.) as seriously as they should. Accountability was notably absent from most people who took it upon themselves to interject their voices into the conversation, and despite me urgently informing people why certain processes + precautions are set in place... it was evident most folks in my literal community are picking and choosing how they interpret their news and "facts." I was quickly attacked despite being a respectful voice of reason, and I kept meeting brick wall after brick wall (in the form of those willingly being blind, deaf + dumb). After all but yelling "This is not a *ME* situation, this is a *WE* situation," I realized I'd lost my composure + emotional control. I politely dismissed myself from the thread and entered the most tumultuous emotional hangover I think I've ever had, one I'm still recovering from despite having done every textbook remedy, in attempts to resolve my internalized stress + dismay. • Myself and so many others are rightfully angry because not only do most of us have loved ones in the medical field, *many* of us have *many* loved ones that are high-risk, and so it is up to us low-risk folks (who are prime asymptomatic carriers) to help truly slow this thing down. It doesn't help that the person who's supposed to be leading and serving our country is failing us miserably, and so it is bc of him, that I personally believe so many people still aren't taking things seriously, growing impatient and/or acting with reckless abandon. (His vile, unending spewing of misinformation, libel and slander aren't helping, either.) • You don't get to pick + choose what precautions should/shouldn't apply to you; stop looking at this as an inconvenience, and start seeing this as an opportunity to help save and/or be of service to others. • Stay home. Support local businesses by ordering pick-up/take-out. Donate if you can. Be smart. Be patient. And above all else, BE KIND. 🌻

3.28.20 | Day 1299 Musings + Reflections 🌻 • "The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater." — J.R.R. Tolkien • This post has everything and nothing to do with being in recovery or being sober; it is about being human, and the amount of oscillating grief we are all experiencing at various points throughout each day, and how all of our internalized uncertainties and fluctuating feelings are valid, regardless of whether we can articulate them or not. • This post is about remembering (and constantly reminding ourselves, if need be) that the *only* things we can control are ourselves and our immediate surroundings. Nothing more, nothing less. • This week has shown me sides of myself that I love and loathe, and what's more is, I know I'm not alone in saying or feeling this. I saw in one of the recovery FB groups I'm in (omitting info for anonymity) where somebody mentioned struggling with anger. The details that followed, almost to a T, matched everything I've personally been experiencing; though I did not engage in the comment thread, I felt seen, safe, comfort, and relief. • As of right now, this week I have: - Had 3 full-blown panic attacks - Stopped at least a half dozen in their tracks - Cried more times than I can count; often resulting in me placing myself in a brief "mommy time-out" to recoup - Questioned my sanity - Had fleeting fantasies of relapsing - Walked 30 miles - Done *all* the laundry - Allowed myself to sit with and feel my feelings - Reminded myself that I am in control - Lost my composure + grace - Apologized and made amends for doing so - Communicated my needs to both others + myself - Remembered to laugh - Felt the rain on my skin - Soaked up the sun • Though we are all separated by distance, it is bc of the collective commUNITY that I am hellbent on not letting this crisis break me. I've never been so proud to be a part of something greater than myself. The world needs us. • Please keep being gentle w/ yourselves; I promise to do the same. This too shall pass. I love you.🌻

Twitter: Where I Don’t Always Take Myself so Seriously

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Day 1303 – Hope Begins in the Dark
Day 1202 – Forgetting How to Hate Myself I Saved My Own Life
Day 1186 – Full Collapse (Sehnsucht, Pt. 2)
Day 1164 – I, Myself, Am Made Entirely of Flaws, Stitched Together with Good Intentions
Day 1144 – More Than Words Can Tell

Recent Comments

	KRISTINTOTHEMAX on Day 1129 – World Mental…
	Sandy on Day 1129 – World Mental…
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