Day 1073 – To Be Ill Adjusted to a Deranged World Is Not a Breakdown

First portion of post was originally written yesterday, August 14, 2019 (Day 1072) and can also be found in its entirety on my IG in *this* post.

ItIsOkay
“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”
― Jane Austen

Hey, hi, howdy, hello –GREETINGS + SALUTATIONS– holy shit, I think I’m back?

Hopefully I’m not jumping the gun w/ a sense of inadvertent, fleeting optimism, but it feels like the tide w/in me might be turning… or it could be the new supplements (L-Theanine & 5-HTP) my holistic psychiatrist put me on? All I know is I woke up legitimately happy this morning, and felt a pure sense of hopefulness I haven’t felt in a really long time, and THAT is what I’m here to share with all of you fucking FABULOUS folks today, on the 1072nd day of my sobriety journey of (un)becoming + relentlessly working towards creating the life I know I’m deserving of.

I say all this, because as much as I’d love to divulge ALL the hellaciously triggering events that have transpired over the past few dark, deafening + utterly depleting weeks (last few months really, but the last few weeks in particular have been especially daunting, where I found myself sobbing to the point of incomprehension and overcome with existential dread on numerous occasions)… I suppose all you need to know is, despite hitting SEVERAL ledges on my way to new rock bottoms –until one recent night, while I was holding myself in the laundry room– it was like the angel of death was looking upon me, screaming: YOU REALIZE YOU ARE *EXACTLY* WHERE YOU WERE THIS TIME THREE YEARS AGO – ONLY MINUS THE WHOLE DRINKING THING, RIGHT?!

Meaning: I had a moment of clarity amidst an environment full of chaos where my life was basically suffocating me to the point of having no choice but to come to terms with the FACT that (for God knows how long) it’s taken me these last THREE years, in recovery, to have an epiphany that my internal/emotional/behavioral “choices” (quotations because not all of these “choices” were consciously made) IN FACT, most have been subliminal/subconscious decisions I did not recognize as such until my life, comprehensive well-being, AND recovery literally depended on it.

It wasn’t until I was mid-sentence yesterday at the doctor’s office where I realized for the first time that *nothing* –not a single variable in my life has changed since I got sober– only my awareness of my internalized responses to what happens in my daily life.I’ll be vague yet specific and factually state: I know my biggest mental health triggers. These finite stimuli have been impacting EVERY facet in my life, on a consistently staggering + damn near crippling basis, since I noticed the initial tip-off that sent me into this persistently ongoing depressive episode, which started about this time LAST year. I’m not sure I ever fully “bounced back” from that episode; I most certainly kept burning my candle at both ends to the point it affected me in ways I’m just NOW coming to terms with.

That episode set off an intense amount of self-sabotaging reactionary responses that further sadden me because of who/how I’ve become – HOWEVER, during my appointment yesterday it felt like I experienced the final crushing blow that ALSO afforded me an ENORMOUS release, and I remembered (but only after my psychiatrist hugged me, told me she believed in me, AND my mom [unprompted] told me she was proud of me, “just because”): I AM THE MASTER OF MY OWN DESTINY.

Shortly after I got home, I saw THIS reminder (pictured)… and remembered what I said before I left the doctor’s office — No matter how many times I’ve wanted to, I refuse to give up. It will forever remain the one thing I WON’T do.

My doctor also reminded me of something: we are ALL just spiritual beings having a human experience, and I’ll be fucking damned if I let a few months (years) of less than ideal interactions, both intra/inter personal, rob me of continuing to be a rainbow personified. It may have been raining cats + dogs on me for sometime now, I can feel my colors re-emerging, and y’all…

I WILL KEEP FIGHTING FOR MYSELF BC NOBODY CAN DO *THAT* FOR ME, BUT ME – I WILL BE THE EXAMPLE OF STRENGTH *AND* LOVE THAT MY CHILDREN DESERVE — AND THAT IS A VERY PROMISING + SUPER FUCKING INSPIRING THING TO REALIZE, HONOR + WORK TOWARDS RESPECTING, FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS.ALL THIS IS TO SAY, NONE OF THIS – THE GOOD AND THE BAD – WOULD BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT MY CONTINUED DEDICATION TO MY SOBRIETY AND RECOVERY AND JUST FUCK YEAH, LIFE, MAN. 🌻

-Kristin
xo

P.S.- It’s been 2 days since my psychiatrist appointment, and though I understand there is such thing as a “placebo effect” and I obviously have no way of knowing how much or how little the two newest additions to my daily supplement family have had on me thus far (the two newest being L-Theanine and 5-HTP; I already take Saffron extract, and Vitamins D3 + K2), however, I do know that simply having a professional I respect validate my self-awareness + overall cognizance of my ongoing depressive episode as it pertains to my current environments/experiences allowed me to simultaneously have a breakdown AND a breakthrough, and I honestly cannot explain the feelings that overcame me following.

The sky is bluer, I’m noticing the various textures and shades of green on the trees I drive past everyday ―fuck, I altered my commute so that I not only drive through neighborhoods that have exquisite flower gardens that line the streets but it also puts me on a street that passes our local pumpkin patch― I’m revisiting lovely female musicians that fill me w/ joy… it’s these subtle changes + incorporations that are bringing me SUCH feelings of authentic elation.

Again, difficult to explain, but it makes me think of the Jeanette Winterson quote, “To be ill adjusted to a deranged world is not a breakdown,” which only brought back home my doctor’s reminder that we’re all spiritual beings having a human experience, and those two VERY important reminders floored me in some kind of way that made my mentality do a 180, and I’m being so much more gentle w/ how I approach everything. It literally is the little things, y’all.

There are so many approaches to breaking these traumatic cycles that you/I/we have encountered or endured ―shitty as fuck things that have happened to us― but we can + do hold the power to break free from those painful shackles, so long as we remain open to receiving these beautiful gifts + solutions; healing is something that is so doable for ALL OF US, whether we realize it or not.

Sometimes we need a gentle push from The Universe, or to see a friendly reminder that doubles as a note to self. 🌻

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