4.24.19 | Day 960
Gratitude + Reflections 🌻
“I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace.”
― Hermann Hesse
This is really difficult for me to share, seeing as how I just recently decided to come forward with and pour my heart completely out about something I can only describe as a seemingly unending heavy hollowness… and sadly, these layered feelings were very much accompanied with fleeting but reoccurring suicidal thoughts.
I’ve never once thought of acting on these ideations, but I’ve come to the point where I cannot keep going through the motions and feeling perpetually exhausted and totally empty. Today, I realized I am unsure of how much longer I can keep feeling this hopeless and helpless, so I finally made a commitment to myself, which I also realize will have an impact that is much more widespread than me simply placing a phone call. As terrified as I was for asking for help, — I was even more terrified of unforeseen repercussions and/or the outcome due to amplified anxiety and a crying spell that wouldn’t let up no matter how I hard I tried.
So, I wept and allowed everything to wash over me, then I decided enough was enough and I made the best decision I’ve made in months.
Today, I asked for and accepted help.
I’m ready to reclaim my life, restore my magic, and reinvigorate my lust for life.
P.S. – This article helped serve as a reassuring catalyst that I’m not alone, nor can I do it/this alone.
P.P.S. – If I were still drinking, I can safely say the outcome, situations… all of it… none of it would look or feel or be the same as it is right now. If I were still drinking, I cannot promise I’d be well or safe enough… or even alive… to make the brave choice I did today. If there’s one thing I know I’m doing right, it’s keeping honest and sober as fuck. No matter what.