Day 943 – “Wild and Fluorescent, Come Home to My Heart”

4.4.19
self-portrait, day 943 – 📸: A figure in motion, though diffused with incandescent nuances, it is frustratingly indiscernible. Despite being an arm’s length away, an accessible distance to corroborate in one’s certainty of who/what/where this figure is, it’s indistinguishable at best. What seems familiar, in reality, is actually configured with/based upon preconceived notions. Almost leaving the viewer unsure if this figure is simply a figment of their imagination. 

Preface: This is catharsis at its finest. I’m viscerally trying to work THROUGH things, not against them – the latter being something I have an established history of doing. Progress not perfection though, right?

I relapsed.

Not w/ booze, a boy, or benzos… I relapsed by falling prey to my deep-seated tendencies and maintaining this cyclical/habitual penchant for being a starry-eyed sucker for nostalgia (to put it mildly). AGAIN. It’s an unhealthy form of escapism I run to when the weight of reality and the world start to suffocate me. This time, however, I didn’t get sentimental in my usual way because this kind of nostalgia is VERY triggering, and it breaks my heart wide fucking open because I literally cannot escape its confines.

You know those “Eureka!” moments I’ve talked about? (I’ve discussed them at length on my Instagram – they’re peppered throughout my feed.) But, you know… the moments that feel like a jolt of electricity coursing through your body, flitting just below the surface of your skin, and basically result in a full-body high that’s inflicted by liberation, NOT due to inebriation?! The moments you feel SO deeply because you can actually feel ALL your feelings, and you can’t/won’t/don’t run from them because you’ve worked too fucking hard at that “whole not drinking thing” to even consider reverting back to living the old cyclical, dysfunctional way? Even if it ultimately means inadvertently stirring up all those OTHER feelings that sat and festered like only the kind of feelings you ignored, suppressed + drowned out during the duration of your drinking career can? THE KIND OF MOMENTS THAT SHAKE YOU TO YOUR CORE BECAUSE THERE IS NO PINK CLOUD LEFT TO BUFFER THE REAL WORLD FROM YOU?!

I had another moment the other day, only this one felt more like an anvil dropping on my chest rather than a long-awaited sigh of relief. The epiphany occurred while listening to Lorde’s hazy and kaleidoscopic yet painfully sharp and reflective album, “Melodrama”. Memories flickered then fully appeared and began to warmly illuminate my thoughts, steadily building and occasionally faltering right alongside the ebbs and flows of the album, as the songs passed in and out of the speakers.

The catalyst was the track “Supercut“. This wasn’t the first time this song essentially sent my heart over the edge, but it was the first time it felt like a knife twisting in and out along to the beat of the tune until the track faded out like a glittering yet nebulous afterthought.

As much as I love to (over)share, I do have a line. I’m honoring that out of respect for myself & this VERY vulnerable spot I’ve currently found myself in.

There’s MUCH more to this steady stream of epiphanies (both good + bad), all of them fundamentally intertwined – the end result being all that I am, have been, and will become because of various patterns, behaviors and overall social conditioning that are thoroughly ingrained in my existence. The more I try to untangle + examine them though, the more things crawl out of the woodwork only to immediately scatter. It creates a task that leaves my brain relentlessly whorling and reeling: endlessly chasing after these immeasurable revelations, then trying to find the words that match the feelings, which leads to me longing to dissect said feelings in an anxious attempt to get to the root emotions & ultimately pinpoint what caused “XYZ”…

The brain is an exquisitely exhausting organ, ya’ll. And don’t even get me started on the heart.

4.4.19_pt2
self-portrait, day 943

I chose these pictures because I thought they accurately depict everything that’s currently unraveling inside me. Things I’m mindfully loosening, whilst being careful not to create more ligatures during this delicately foreign process. THAT’S THE POWER OF HEALING, FEELING + RECOVERING.

 

Additionally, I felt it constructively personified a symphonic motif of sorts that can be heard throughout the “Melodrama” album, where there’s notably sharp contrasts between swaths of vibrancy and total clarity paired against muffled reverberations and moments of hesitant and intangible uncertainty about where one stands in the world around them.

Until next time, lovers.
– Kristin

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