day 715 – volatile stagnation

“My life is not possible to tell. I change every day, change my patterns, my concepts, my interpretations. I am a series of moods and sensations. I play a thousand roles. I weep when I find others play them for me. My real self is unknown. My work is merely an essence of this vast and deep adventure.”
― Anaïs Nin

*Graphic and possible TW.*

Before I blow off cathartic steam… IF YOU ARE SWIMMING IN YOUR OWN SHIT LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW, I SEE YOU AND AM THROWING YOU A LIFE RAFT — WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND LAND SHORE TOGETHER, EVEN IF THE WEATHER + WATER ARE TRYING TO THROW US OVERBOARD EVERY MINUTE ALONG THE WAY.

Hi. How are you? How’s your day? How’s your week been? How’s your job going? How are your kids doing? How ya holding up? You good? Wanna break down just a little? Me, too.

I wanted to drink yesterday. There, I said it.

I wasn’t going to, but I wanted to. And I wanted to drink earlier today. I wasn’t going to then either, but I wanted to.

Fuck these last few days, my God. I’ve been on the rag on/off for nearly two weeks and yesterday, of all days (don’t even get me started), I was in immense pain and bled through my motherfucking (black) pants, and couldn’t leave the office if my life depended on it. Just in case I haven’t reminded you enough, I’m super busy at work and keep swearing off IG, only to come back and bitch/rant/vent some more.

A beautiful, wonderful angelbaby reminded me this commUNITY is here for connection and communication, and she’s right, and I’m lonely and if I pull off IG, guys…. idk. I’ve honestly built my recovery upon/around this sober IG commUNITY, and you guys are like the friends I needed and never had. I know I’d still be sober without y’all, but I don’t think I’d be the same me that I am, 715 days into this, without you. We keep each other going and share our victories, defeats, joys, miseries, and everything in between. I love y’all.

After the shitshow that was yesterday, I decided I’d be smart and FINALLY run out all this pent-up aggression I’ve got (physically and mentally), only to discover…

cont’d in first comment below 🌻
kristin.af_I’ve lost my wallet. It’s still missing, and I spent all morning sobbing like a little bitch, tearing up the house, my car, calling places I might have left it…. nothing. Hubbins McBabydaddy is gonna help me look later, and I turned off my debit card, but I’ve got all sorts of personal shit crammed in that worn out leather bi-fold… not good though, and it was like the cherry on top of the cake.

This week has been constantly defeating, and all my notes to self are barely keeping me afloat. I’m so fucking lonely IRL, now I’m angry on top of it, stretched very thin at work, got a daughter who is… we’re having severe behavioral issues AGAIN, she’s back to lying, not following instructions, mouthing off, stealing then hiding her Kindle (which was taken away, after warning her, she needed to make better choices in several areas — I found it earlier and have since locked it away), not following instructions at school already… only 3 days into the new school year… my house was already a fucking mess before I tore it up looking for my wallet, now it’s straight-up horrendous… the only thing going okay right now is the fact I am not and will not drink, but I’m really cracking at the seams right now. I’m only one person and the demands all around me are too much.

Yet here I am bitching about my first world problems on IG. Y’all if I don’t write or create or SOMETHING, I get dark, then I get quiet, and the pain and loneliness only deepen, and I’m not having any of that.

I don’t need or want sympathy, I choose to share because (again… call me Randy Redundant or some shit) it helps me not feel as fucking small and I know somebody out there will read this (if you haven’t already eye-rolled, scrolled past or unfollowed me by now) and they will also see me, like I see them, and it makes things not so bad.

That’s all I’ve got. Back to work.

Life raft. I love you. Keep going + I promise to do the same. 🌻

Published by: KRISTINTOTHEMAX

i like my coffee strong, my music loud and my pizza extra cheesy. sober supermom of two. hoarder of inspirational quotes. outspoken and observant. ambitious af. empath extraordinaire. choosing connection over comfort and rewriting my future since 9.6.16

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