Day 623 – “Sehnsucht”

**Possible trigger warning / Emotionally heavy content below**

5.21.18 | Day 622
Musings + Reflections
“Sehnsucht” 🌻

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“Psychologists have worked to capture the essence of Sehnsucht by identifying its six core characteristics: ‘(a) utopian conceptions of ideal development; (b) sense of incompleteness and imperfection of life; (c) conjoint time focus on the past, present, and future; (d) ambivalent (bittersweet) emotions; (e) reflection and evaluation of one’s life; and (f) symbolic richness.’

Some researchers posit that Sehnsucht has a developmental function that involves life management. By imagining overarching and possibly unachievable goals, individuals may be able to create direction in their life by developing more tangible goals, or ‘stepping stones’ that will aid them on their path toward their ideal self. ‘[Sehnsucht has] important developmental functions, including giving directionality for life planning and helping to cope with loss and important, yet unattainable wishes by pursuing them in one’s imagination. ‘It can also operate as a self-regulatory mechanism.”

First off, I’m still more June Gloom than I am Merry Sunshine, and second of all, I’m not going to censor how I choose to recover, so if reading about the crevices in the plateaus of life isn’t your bag, and you just want to stick with the peaks and valleys — I’m not the girl for you. There’s more to the weather than hurricanes and rainbows, and the same thing applies to daily life, recovery, and ya know, the human experience overall.

Also, I’m actively pursuing a psychologist, plan on discussing upping my antidepressant with my doctor, looking into getting a gym membership, and progressively decreasing the already fairly low intake of meat + dairy that are a part of my diet. Oh, and I’m not gonna relapse. What fucking good comes out of making a mess an even bigger mess? I’ll stick with my early ’00s emo music if I want to feel more sad, thanks. I’m just wading through the thick of these things, out loud, like I do now. And oh, by the way, it’s Mental Health Awareness Month and though I’m not sure I condone this year’s theme of #CureStigma — I’m certainly an advocate for trying to burn that motherfucker down, because a lot of stigmas are severely antiquated, especially those surrounding mental health and those who live with those illnesses on a daily basis.

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Okay, so… Question. Does anyone ever wonder “Is this just how life is?” or “Is this just how my life is?” or “Is this just who/I am?

Because that’s where I’m at right now. That last question. Constantly wondering if things are the way they are because:
A.) Life
B.) My Life
C.) Me

There’s clearly something missing, and that’s the rut I’m in, in my recovery right now. Which is why I name-dropped all the lifestyle changes I’m going to progressively make, and see if any of those thing help. It currently feels like I’ve got a blindfold on and am currently feeling out towards any and everything nearest to me, hoping to find whatever it is that’s leaving this void in me right now.

“There is a perfection in everything that cannot be owned.”
― Anaïs Nin

Another thing I should mention is, I’m also nostalgic as fuck. Which never helps anyone. Even worse though, I’m nostalgic for things I’m not sure existed in the first place. And I constantly keep finding myself pining for things that could be purely imaginary, which makes me even more wistful. I am longing for things that may have never occurred in the first place. Is that normal? Does anybody else do that?

I keep playing tug-of-war with the idea of romance, relationships, complimentary partnerships, and things of the like. I feel like I miss a passion and fierce electricity (very much in the same vein as the “honeymoon” phase”) and I get really down. So I turn inwards and I’ve noticed I’m shutting off and out because it’s like I’ve resigned to the fact that these things –if they ever really took place to begin with– were at the cusp of me diving fully into a life that was playfully reckless and abruptly and permanently altered not too long later. When I unexpectedly found myself pregnant at 22, and it’s like the rest has really been history ever since. I’ve been with the same person for 12 years, and that’s something I’m really proud of, but sometimes I can’t tell if we’ve outgrown one another. Or if this is just how relationships go. Or if this is just our relationship. Or if it’s just me.

Romantic relationships, friendships, all types of “-ships” are supposed to healthily function as a unit of the people who make it, but those people also need to be able to thrive independently, too. Love each other enough to be able to let each person love their own solitude and everything that encompasses, you know?

I’m really starting to love myself now enough now to really begin seeing larger pieces of the “big picture” and I’m terrified. Because I’m starting to see things for what (I believe) they are, and it’s not sitting well. And it’s taking a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. The whole point of sobriety and recovery in general, is to lover yourself enough to create a life you don’t want to escape or disappear from. Which is where I’m at. Loving myself enough to see that some of the pieces in the puzzle don’t fit like I once thought they did, and I’m not sure whether to rearrange them to make them fit, if they’ll even fit, or if they ever fit at all.

Anyway, despite all *~this~* I’m continuously grateful for all this fucking, pain-in-the-ass clarity… bc, sobriety ‘n’ shit… and I’m also approximately 8,436,639,643,632 other things as well, but I’m grateful as fuck regardless. I know I’ll get through whatever  *~this~* is… we always do… but until then, I’m being very gentle with myself though, and I hope no matter what you are/aren’t going through, that you are doing the same. 🌻

xo,
Kristin

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