it’s been that long since i had my last drink. i’ve come so far. especially when i step back and look at it in retrospect. this time five months ago, i found myself wading through the waters of what i could’ve only imagined as hell on earth. i woke up to find myself in a nightmare that i couldn’t have thought up on even my worst day before then. shit, i’m going to have to back up, because my chest is getting tight just thinking about it.
so, i know you’re not supposed to wish your time away, but i look forward to the days where i no longer beat myself up and tear myself down about things i did and said (or what i can remember from those times) in the past.
earlier today while i was working, i found myself with a huge smile plastered across my face. simply because as i was looking around at the same cubicle i’ve sat in for years, with the same stuff pinned up all over my tackboards, with the same boxes of past projects that had been filed and tucked away… i smiled simply because i was surrounded with familiarity and order. it was a tiny celebration amidst a mundane setting, but i felt so overjoyed seeing the order i had regained, and knowing i’ve come so far and still have even further to go. further being the future, something i welcome and look forward to daily.
then it came creeping in. it being that tiny voice that likes to remind me of all the stupid shit i’ve done, specifically where i was this time last year.
this time last year, little did i know, i would be slowly climbing that ladder that ended at the top of a slippery slope… the slippery slope that would eventually take me hostage… the same slippery slope that ended with a screeching halt in what i can only refer to as a living nightmare.
that living nightmare, however, ended up being the blessing that silenced my curse and opened up the door to a new life. a life of learning. a life of forgiving. a life of understanding. a life of awareness. a life of gratitude. a life of sobriety.
right now, the forgiving part is still a constant struggle. i’m learning to forgive those who hurt me in the past, so i can properly grieve and move on… it’s forgiving myself that’s becoming a problem. i cannot grant myself the liberty to enjoy things when they’re going good, because the voice of kristins past always makes its way in. it likes to remind me of everything i did and said, and it steals away the joy of the moment. i was so stupid and selfish for an entire decade, that it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than 5 months of sobriety and working towards recovery, to learn to forgive myself.
the memories pop up in a similar fashion to the way a strobe light projects its abrupt and blinding flashes of light. it’s splices of things, times, events, conversations…they leave as quickly as they came, but they take a piece of me with them every time they show up. it’s difficult to explain, but it’s incredibly uncomfortable and will often leave me feeling knocked down a few notches, because i am still in disbelief about all the time i wasted away while i was wasted.
…all those times i would go out into the world, but it wouldn’t really be me, it’d be whatever version of myself that alcohol thought i should be that day. would i be jekyll or would i be hyde? i never knew, i never cared to know, and i never cared enough to stop.
so yeah, i look forward to the days where i don’t torment myself during moments i should be enjoying. one day this will happen… one day.
guess we all have to take the good with the bad and vice versa, right? all in all, from the milestone standpoint, five months of this new life is definitely worth celebrating and i’m continuously grateful that i’m lucky enough to be where i am right now. at the end of the day, it’s all about perspective and after having fleshed out some of today’s thoughts and happenings… dare i say it? i actually feel pretty alright.
here’s to hoping you can say the same — that you’re feeling pretty alright. and if you’re not… tomorrow’s more than just a new day. tomorrow is the first day of your life.